If you’ve ever caught yourself staring across the room at your partner wondering where that spark of desire went, you are most certainly not alone. Life piles on: demanding careers, endless family logistics, the quiet emotional weight we carry without even naming it. Over time, what once felt electric can slip into something safer, more routine and can feel like two people running a household together instead of chasing curiosity and connection side by side. Dr. Anna Elton, a licensed marriage and family therapist and certified clinical sexologist, dives straight into this quiet shift in her new book, The Formula of Desire: What Brings Us Together and Drives Us Apart, and the Science of Connection (New Harbinger, 2026). Blending decades of hands-on work with couples, cutting-edge insights from psychology, neuroscience, and attachment research, she unpacks exactly why attraction fades in long-term relationships despite underlying loving feelings and more importantly, she shares how to reignite emotional and physical intimacy with intention. I recently sat down with Dr. Elton to explore what really changes desire over time, how our everyday habits quietly shape or sabotage closeness, and the practical steps couples can take to feel like romantic partners again, not just roommates who care.

Charlene:

Many people say that over time couples become more like roommates than romantic partners. In your book The Formula of Desire, you explore why that happens. Is this something you hear often?

Anna:

Very often. In fact, one of the most common things I hear from couples in therapy is, “We love each other, but we feel more like roommates.” Early in a relationship there is novelty, curiosity, flirtation, and anticipation. Over time those are replaced by routines, responsibilities, work stress, and parenting. Couples often become excellent teammates in running a household, but they stop nurturing the romantic and erotic parts of the relationship.

Charlene:

So, the relationship becomes functional, but less exciting?

Anna:

Exactly. Couples often become great partners in logistics but lose the elements that sustain desire. In The Formula of Desire, I describe this shift as moving from romantic allies to roommates. The good news is that it means that the conditions that support attraction need to be rebuilt.

Charlene:

What kinds of conditions support desire?

Anna:

Desire thrives in environments where people feel emotionally connected, appreciated, and desired by their partner. It also depends on novelty, playfulness, and attention. When couples are constantly distracted or overwhelmed by stress, those experiences disappear. Reintroducing them can dramatically change how partners experience each other.